Feeling alone

 I'm back. So many thoughts run through my head today. Perhaps its hormones...I think I've hit the perimenopausal stage...and at that certain time of the month my goodness it seems fierce. Let me start with one thing that's been weighing heavy on me. Community.

What is community? How do we build it? Are we part of community? I'm talking like a deep and relational community. I think of the book of Acts. Or even back in college. I was part of an amazing Christian community in college. We did life together. Lived together (some of us). Ate together. Hung out all. the. time. while still passing classes. Sure maybe we didn't have families to care for and demands of a job or "real" adult, but we still had demands. We also still made our friendships a priority. We built that community. And while its been many many years since those college days, I reflect on those and know those are some of the best friends God has ever blessed me with. I know that if we were to see one another again soon it'd be like picking up conversation as if it were yesterday. I love that! I hope you know what I'm talking about and have experienced that for yourself. There's just something about it! Midnight runs to Big Boy. Walking along the lake. Stranded together in snowstorms. Trips across the bridge or even across the border. Jamming out to Rebecca St. James. Hiking. Biking. Dinners together. The list can go on.

As a military family we had a lot of different types of community. Military community. Neighbors. Church community. People we're fond of in each place we have lived. Memories. Special moments. Those are the times that built our family, so to speak. But I find that sometimes with the older we got (or maybe the more children I birthed) it was harder and harder to find "the" people. Or maybe it's society in general. So often we busy ourselves with all the things...church & serving, all the kids' activities, our activities, etc. Which are all good things. But do we sometimes overextend ourselves on those things and miss out on building relationships with one another? Does every child have to be in every sport? Could we maybe take a step back from one of our activities or one of the many places we serve so that we can just be with people?

Sometimes I wonder why we moved from the last place we lived. I know that God led our steps here, in our new home. But I loved that former home & community. I had a place. I felt like I was thriving. Like we were thriving. We led a small group and man...we loved those people (we still do). Our church...it was amazing. Women's Bible study...I felt like maybe, just maybe, I was sorta connecting with people. And let's not forget about my besties...there's a handful...the women I still chat with regularly after leaving there almost a year and a half ago. I miss it all. I really really do.

I do love it here, too. I'm (mostly) content. But there's something missing. I have friends. I have my bestie from years past (and I LOVE that). We have a small group. A church. But it doesn't get deeper. The relationships just don't seem to be forming. Or something. It's hard to not wonder, "Is it us? Is it me? What's wrong with me?" 

As Christians I think it's one of the hardest "communities" to fit in. People have their groups. Their history. Their established friendships. New person moves in...where do you fit into that? I've experienced this pretty much all the places we've lived, to be honest. How do you fit in? I have loved moving, but I also want "roots" somewhere. But how is that possible when the established friendships are already there? 

I long for deeper friendships. For me. For my family. My husband. My children. How? How do we get them? How do we find them? When will God bless us with them? Why does it seem so "barren"? I just want a friend.